January 15, 2011 - Drink 8 glasses of water

I once worked in an office where a few of us used to bring empties of those three-litre juice bottles to work, fill them with water, and then have a water-drinking race. It was a fairly stressful environment so excuses to go to the bathroom were always a good thing. I suppose I could have just gone to the bathroom anyway, just washed my hands or something, but then I would feel bad about lying. Much better to drink the better part of a gallon of water and let nature take its course.

I don't work there any more so I don't drink nearly as much water, though I should because I spend a lot of time at the gym and it's not airconditioned. People leave there looking like they've taken a shower with their clothes on.

By cruel coincidence my gym is on the same street as my favourite cafe, the one with the beer-battered fries and aioli, thus setting up a perpetual cycle of fries --> spin class --> more fries.

It is also time to send another fan letter.

"Dear Microsoft,

When I was twelve, I bought my own Playstation so I could play Need for Speed: High Stakes without having to wait for my brother to finish with Dino Crisis.

We bought an Xbox even though the salesman at JB Hi-Fi told my boyfriend he should get a Wii "for the chick." I was lied to about cake. I watched an elephant get electrocuted. I shot the engineer, with the rod gun, and set it on fire, because I didn't like Veronica Dare.

You know, if it weren't for those Foxtel-on-Xbox commercials, I never would have realised that I was supposed to use my Xbox to watch crappy pay TV. But now I have a problem. I don't actually have three dimwitted, scantily-dressed friends to come around, ogle my boyfriend and coo over my shiny television. Do the friends come with the Foxtel package? This would explain why you're charging $20 a month. Surely people aren't paying that amount purely for the privilege of watching several dozen channels of lukewarm American sitcoms, complete with commercials. 

I'm really excited about Kinect though, since the existing Xbox controller doesn't fit in my girly little hands.

Sincerely,

Jayne."

2 days on the wagon.

January 8, 2011 - Type a letter every week

I have a typewriter. She is an Olivetti Lettera 32. Her name is Olivia.

This year I am going to use her to write a letter to somebody every week and mail it on Monday. 

"Dear Channel Ten,

I am writing to thank you for running Law and Order: SVU repeats on Thursday night. Perhaps you could play Law and Order every night, like you do with The Simpsons? There's more than enough episodes. Seriously, TV1 managed to create a whole pay-TV channel based on nothing but Law and Order repeats.

When I was in Year 9, we did an English unit on current affairs shows. At the end, we had to produce and film our own segment, using all the cliched tricks we'd picked up from watching taped episodes of Today Tonight. I conducted a fake interview with a student portraying a fictionalised disgraced AFL star. We had dolls representing his young family, and old netball trophies in the background to symbolise his premiership wins. I asked him hackneyed questions about his love of the game, and he broke down in manly sobs whilst he defended himself against the "shocking allegations" that he had engaged in lewd acts with one of those flags the linesmen use.

If I could find the tape we made, I would send it to you, since it's considerably better than anything Dave Hughes has done for The 7PM Project.

Sincerely,

Jayne."

Also my resolution to not eat chocolate has been surprisingly easy so far. I have decided to avoid another of my vices: Pepsi Max. They are running a promotion where if you drink ten bottles of Pepsi you get a t shirt. This is nice of them. I won a t shirt in one week. That is a lot of Pepsi Max.

I think I will extend this to carbonated beverages, generally. Except soda-water based cocktails. Of course.

When I went to the gym this morning I completed three whole quarters of a proper pushup before I fell smack on my face. Progress.